26.05.21

Since January, I have laid on the same spot, trying to process past events leading to my present state and potential future outcomes. Sometimes, trying to make sense of my thoughts feels like detangling dry 4c hair with tight knots — painfully frustrating till you add water.

Most days feel like a global drought as I am mentally and emotionally fatigued, so much so that my physical body cannot do something as simple as getting off the bed. While I actively search for and engage in activities that enable me to think positively, it seems like I’m at the mercy of my emotions, urging me to acquiesce to the negative thoughts that engulf me.

In processing, I veer off and start overthinking while replaying the same events. At this rate, you’d think the replay value of my thoughts is profitable. I’m triggered by thinking of life-altering decisions that have me second-guessing and questioning after the fact, even though I know I made the right choice. The “waiting to pay off” part feels unending.

For a few hours, I experience overwhelming amounts of energy, hope, and optimism. It feels like my current state is where I’m supposed to be; everything makes sense.

In between these varying emotions, I have tried to prioritize familial and social relationships as an enormous source of emotional support. However, I still feel isolated and increasingly withdraw not just from people but from social activities.

Life is bizarre like that, but it is fascinating how my brain chemistry fluctuates to different extremes.