Doing the work or what it looks like
Ever heard that annoying question that goes “what do you want in a man”?
I’m always eager to answer because I got my checklist with somewhat reasonable requirements like “being emotionally intelligent”, “has his life together” blah blah blah bullshit. So strong in my convictions and feelings about this, I keep telling myself it’s what I want and I deserve.
I recently had an emotional breakdown that was triggered by something that seems a bit ridiculous now but the underlying layers of recent traumas in my life were manifested.
I had started my routine of stalking my crush on social media, found his profile on Linkedin and boy was he the perfect guy for me. He ticked all the boxes on my checklist. As a hopeless romantic in denial, with a very wild imagination, I started to imagine our lives together. Somehow, the dots were not connecting. My perfect fantasy was missing some plotlines that required some intrinsic details based on my character (me). I felt this overwhelming sense of jealousy, envy, and unworthiness. Deep in my thoughts and being in that moment, I realised I had nothing to offer.
How? Why? A whole me? How did this happen? Where are my accomplishments? Why is he better than me on paper? So what can I bring to the fucking table? ……… I kept asking myself these questions which led me to take a good look at my life and examine it objectively. It was a hard thing to do but I finally came to terms with the fact that I ain’t shit!
My life is a mess, I am struggling, I am drowning and floating, and I don’t have any sense of direction. After moments of feeling undeserving and coming to terms with the “ain’t shitiness” that is my current situation, I knew I had to do the work of understanding my purpose with a greater goal of self-actualization. It is a fucking journey, don’t ask me how long it takes!
I am happy to say that today was a good day. In the process of working out my feelings, I finally understood that those ugly and uncomfortable feelings about him symbolised something that is missing in my life. I think my breakdown was about losing control. It was definitely not about a relationship, a man or him! He might be what I want but I know for a fact HE IS EVERYTHING I WANT TO BE. Understanding this poses a plethora of questions that I don’t have answers to. Like I said previously, it is a journey. I guess part of growing up is continuing the work, understanding and accepting uncomfortable truths about ourselves.