Fraud-ish

One of my goals has always been to take up and infiltrate spaces, mainly professional, that is not particularly designed for me. I like to think I’m very strategic in the way I work to achieve this. Although I work very hard; the results are not entirely positive but I’ve had a few triumphs along the way. Everyone that knows commends me on my hard work, comments on how proud they are of me, and they are right. I know I deserve to win but every time I question and dissect the validity of it.

It is a really shitty feeling because I see mediocrity celebrated every day for doing the bare minimum. Do these motherfuckers have doubts? I think the fuck not.

Most days, I spend hours rationalising these thoughts to convince myself that I deserve to be where I am and celebrated. When the daily unpaid mental labour runs its course, I settle on the false idea that I might be mediocre and quotas need to be filled, hence, the reason for my wins.

I was recently selected amongst many to be part of a prestigious organisation but it wasn’t random. I was intentional with the strides I made to be a part of it in the way I positioned myself and worked towards getting in. Nonetheless, I have felt intense fear, insecurity, and lack of interest as a result. It did not help that I compared myself to other members of the organisation and felt less. Less enough to question my skills and capabilities.

I listen to lots of successful people talk about experiencing the same thing or something similar at some point or throughout their career. Every time I roll my eyes and tilt my head sideways with sceptic thoughts flooding my brain of how they can feel this way. I mean, they are smart and intelligent, everyone knows that but no one really knows me like that. The professionals are of the opinion that this kind of feeling occurs within a specific personality type like the perfectionists and high achievers. I think I’m somewhere close or in-between, it still does not explain anything or give me the answers I need.

With all the psychology literature dedicated to combating this feeling, more people will and continue to experience it. Does it ever go away?